I looked back and the 1-2 posts per day on this blog have been lacking this summer. I know that there are reasons behind it. I have decided I don't really like my life being too far out there on the internet (not enough to make me put this on private again; but still). I have enjoyed reading my books. I have enjoyed the summer. It has really built me up to start my student teaching year. So, I have been able to go into those parts of my life and become the anti-social person that I really would rather be.
I don't fit in with peers. I don't truly fit in with my family most of the time. I only have one part of my life that I truly fit with and that is Endrit. We don't have friends, and that is okay by us since he is every bit as anti-social as I am. I had my second anxiety attack in church this Sunday and couldn't get through Sunday school. I almost left Relief Society. I think I would have had a complete breakdown if I even looked at the sacrament meeting crowd. Maybe I am feeling useless after I don't have a calling anymore. I want to go back to Princeton ward; but that is beside the point.
I haven't called anyone in 2 weeks. I don't like to receive phone calls all that much. I have written a couple of emails, but those were for letters of recommendations and asking if I could observe/student teach at their school. It wasn't one of those personal emails.
So, if anyone has noticed this, you are not being singled out. I am consistently avoiding anyone and everyone possible. I like to just sit in the back and watch sometimes. This is the longest I have been in this mood. Usually stress comes with talking things out in some way shape and form, but it doesn't seem that it is working itself out in the manner that I am used to.
I am fine. I am just not all mentally there right now. I have a one-track mind with school and that is all I am allowing myself to face at this point. It is my 6th year of school without the end coming with my bachelors, which right now I wouldn't even consider being a bad thing. Going to graduate school is the only thing that truly isn't a stressful part of my psyche. I have had trouble coming to terms with what I will do after I am done with school.
2 more years of mental preparation is more than worth it, even if I am truly ready at that point to face the world outside of university at that point. I might just have to keep going to school. I am not ready to move to the next step; at all. I am content with the status quo.
So, I may screen my calls. I may not answer emails. I may just become completely involved in school and that is how it is supposed to be; for me...right now. I am not depressed. I am just ambivalent towards most situations and people right now. There is nothing that needs to be said or done. It took a lot out of me to write the blog about Jimmy so I don't think I will be writing on here much. It just isn't worth the mental stress to think that people actually read my blog and care that I have been slowing down. I can't even bring myself to write about cleaning the temple although it was wonderful.
I will be back at some point, but I wouldn't hold my breath thinking that it is going to be soon. Check back in a couple of years maybe.
3 comments:
I know what you are talking about. I would be like the Alex Rover in Nim's Island, if it were possible. I wish that I had not passed that on to several of my children. It will be good to see you tomorrow.
I envy your ability to focus so completely on school!
If you don't fit in with peers, does that mean you'd fit in with someone else who doesn't fit in? Why do you think I'm in nursery? (well, not the only reason) I would end up inactive if I had to deal with the adults! I can totally understand where you're coming from!
I guess that means that facebook meyers brigg thing you took is really accurate then :)
You may be experiencing some of the same types of things I am. It appears that you are more introverted than you've realized before, and now you're having to deal with anxiety attacks. Exactly my story.
Worry not that you like to spend time alone or with your hubby only - society doesn't really value introverts, but we are an amazing bunch who get an enormous amount done in life. We're always pushed to be more social, be more outgoing, be more this or that or the other thing, as if we are somehow flawed because we can and want to spend time alone, doing what is actually important to us. I'd suggest the book and site both titled "Living Introverted" - you might see yourself more than you think. I certainly did, and it has been liberating. It validated what I've been doing and how I've been living all my life. And those anxiety attacks? Oh yeah, I'm well-versed on those. I've had a tough year and a half, for several reasons. If you ever want to chat or get information give me a holler. If you'd rather get info on your own, I'm totally fine with that! I'm a total loner and am almost always either alone or with Lynn, and I don't take intrusions into my life well. But, I'd love to share info, if you want it.
Either way, you're totally fine and don't let anyone tell you otherwise! :)
Post a Comment